SOBER THOUGHTS

A close friend recently confided in me that she was concerned for her son, a senior in high school, who is studious, focused, and intent on making something of himself.  As our conversation evolved, it became painfully clear that her son had been the victim of the cruel taunting and teasing that often takes place in school settings.  Everything that kids are already questioning at this stage of development, is being compounded by his teaser: his sexuality, his identify; his sense of self worth; his personal values. The young man was being “Joned,” as kids now days call it.

As any teenager would do, in a momentary flight of anger, the young man retaliated verbally, and as a result of his reaction, earned himself several days confinement in the A.L.C.

As the mom and I conversed, I found myself almost on the verge of tears, because I know the youngster and intuitively could identify with the concerns his mom expressed.

Even though it is sometimes difficult, it is necessary step for all parents to teach their children how to be “tough, and thick-skinned” when it comes to the sometimes insensitive and cruel kind of teasing and taunting that other kids do in school these days.  I have seen this kind of insensitivity reach an insane level that comes frightfully close to bullying.  Bullies pick on someone else as a way to get power, or to get their way, or to feel important.  Often, educators don’t want to admit not knowing how to handle bullying. So, it continues until the one being bullied strikes back, often resulting in their getting in trouble, and the teaser going “Scott free.” 

As a youngster growing up, I was always taught to be more sensitive.  Very early in life, it was my impression that children who teased and made fun of me for being me, just lacked the level of training and discipline I had been taught by my mother and father.  Nevertheless, merely knowing that didn’t make me feel any better.  Although, I considered myself above that, from a child’s perspective, it is hard to remain above such, because any child feels a strong need to “save face” in front of his or her age peers.  Even though this youngster probably didn’t mean anything he said, when he retaliated, his comment was taken as a “terroristic threat” which landed him in an alternative learning program― certainly no place for one who has been victimized in this way.   

Growing up today is probably far more difficult than it use to be, because of negative peer pressure.   In many respects, growing up is like running a race.  Kids have to learn to look at life as a race in which the ultimate winner is the one who stays focused on what’s important.  Even though always being the butt of somebody else’s joke is no fun; and the teased and taunted often want to retaliate to “save face,” they must resist the urge to do that, and pretend not to hear what is being said. 

One day, the thought occurred to me that it would be great if they made blinders for kids, like the ones race horses wear. Race horses have to wear blinders so they can win races.  Blinders are attachments affixed to the horse’s headgear — they resemble big black wings — that cup the horse’s eyes, blocking part of its vision.   Seems sort of mean doesn’t it?  You might wonder, just as I did, why blinders are so necessary for racing horses? After doing some research I learned why. 

Because a horse’s eyes are sitting toward the sides of their heads, they have limited side vision, as well as a hard time looking straight ahead and seeing what lies directly ahead.  This makes it difficult for them to focus down the road.   Because they’re only seeing out of one eye or the other, sudden movements on either side can frighten them, causing them to bolt or shy away.   By putting blinders on a horse, a handler helps him focus straight ahead — on his job, his purpose and his destination― the finish line.” 

Unlike horses, human eyes are capable of a larger field of vision.  Humans have the ability to perceive individuals and objects from all directions ― on the side, above and underneath ― while at the same time, looking straight ahead.  This is called “peripheral vision.”  While it probably enhances human performance, in many ways, peripheral vision can often be just as distracting to us as limited side vision is for the horse.   In both cases, blinders are needed to stay focused on the destination ― the finish line.   For a teenager, the teasing and bullying, is often like a distracter, something visible in the peripheral vision, but not focused directly on the final destination.  For teens, there can be scores of momentary distracters that can lure kids away from their course, causing them unnecessary pain and grief.

The teen years are meant to be happy years, during which kids explore their potential and discover what role they will play on the world stage.   Don’t waste time trying to figure out how to deal with a bully.  Learn how to avoid side distractions.  Be like the horse.  Let your peers “Jone” you all they want.  Act just like a horse with blinders on, and run like the wind!  Ultimately, you will be the real winner.